It’s January, everyone’s brain is still stuck in the mud of leftover Roses and Belgian Biscuits before we go back to our real lives of Rich Tea Biscuits and no chocolates whatsoever. This is the atypical month when bookstores sell more Self help books than ever before, because we’ve eaten too much, drank too much, thought too little and now the Guilt is upon us and we must repent through Evening Classes, Diets that Don’t Work, and Exercise for at least 5 weeks, until the end of February, or when we start to see daylight again, and don’t feel like we need it that much really.
So while we remain in this stupor of exhaustion and despair, what bright lights rise on the horizon like an intercontinental ballistic missile heading across the China Sea in 2011, aka the Chinese Year of the Rabbit, Lets hope it’s not Watership Down.
HOMELESS GUY WITH GREATEST VOICE/OVER VOICE
Somewhere in America, there is a factory, where they are constantly creating stories of success, then despair, then redemption and it verges on the ridiculous, but then you see something like this where a guy called Ted Williams (The perfect name for an everyman story of redemption) is homeless after years of wasting his life, but his voice will have you running to the cinema, TV, radio to listen to whatever it is, he’s selling. Here’s to 2011 being the Greatteeeessttt yearrrrr everrrrrrrr!!!!!
THE STRANGEST CARTOON HERO EVER
Just when you thought the Studios had come up with every connotation of hero in animal form that they could turn into merchandising gold, Lions, Tigers, Bears, Oh My…millions!!!! Someone throws out the thrash and in it finds a wrinkly chameleon gun-toting hero, voiced by none other than Johnny Depp. At first glance, this looks like a disaster as none of the creatures involved look like anything you’d like to put next to your kids Happy Meal at Mcdonalds and there’s an animated snake that looks like Voldemort with balls. But then again, think of how many times the kids are going to lose their chameleon teddy as he blends in with everything around him. Genius!
KATE AND WILLIAMS SHOTGUN WEDDING
Ok, so that’s a scurrilous lie and she’s been waiting around for aggges to get hooked up to the most eligible man in the world, but it would be funny if she turned up in a pregnant suit on the day of the wedding and then took it off, that’s connecting with the people right there. Of course, one of the great worries is the entertainment, it’s got to be classy but young, popular but not tacky, plush but not excessive. At least there’s little chance they’ll book this guy, The WORST WEDDING DJ IN THE WORLD. You really won’t expect the ending. Really!
WIKILEAKS– THE MOVIE
Where we get to sit around for 2 hours and watch a movie about a paper trail leading to the bloody obvious. Spying, backstabbing, betrayal. Put Julian Assuange on X-factor as a Judge is what I say. Here he is, live from UK prison, courtesy of Saturday Night Live…
This year will see all manner of hype as Britain continues to regret it’s decision to host the worlds largest community games and ends up with an opening ceremony directed by Danny Boyle, who also just directed 127 Hours, a true story about a man who tears his own arm off to get out from under a boulder. This is simply a cry for help from a man who’s probably been given tuppence and a shilling to host an opening ceremony to match the Beijing “We’ve actually set people on fire, life is so cheap here” Olympics. If nothing else, we can only hope for a smaller percentage of drug cheats and maybe the odd bit of magic, like this swimmer who decides, oxygen, who needs it!!!